How My Overthinking Was Destroying My Relationships (And What I Did About It)

"He took 3 hours to respond to my text. He usually responds within an hour. Is he mad at me? Did I say something wrong? Maybe he's losing interest. Should I text again? No that seems desperate. But what if he thinks I don't care? What if..."

This is what my brain does. Constantly.

I analyze every text message, every interaction, every tiny detail until I've constructed an entire narrative that probably has nothing to do with reality.

And it was absolutely destroying my relationships.

The Overthinking Spiral

My girlfriend used to joke that I could turn "hey I'll call you later" into a full psychological thriller with plot twists and character development.

She wasn't wrong.

Here's how my overthinking brain works:

Friend doesn't laugh at my joke → they think I'm annoying → they're probably going to stop hanging out with me → I'm going to die alone

Partner seems tired → they're tired of ME → they're planning to break up with me → I need to fix this somehow

Boss wants to "chat" tomorrow → I'm getting fired → I'll never find another job → my life is over

Every small thing becomes a catastrophe in my head.

The Worst Part

I KNOW I'm doing it. Even in the middle of the spiral, part of me is like "this is irrational, calm down" but I can't stop.

It's like watching yourself drive off a cliff but your hands won't turn the wheel.

How Overthinking Ruined My Relationships

I Created Problems That Didn't Exist

My ex-boyfriend once told me he needed a night alone to decompress. Totally reasonable, right?

Nope. My brain decided he was pulling away, losing interest, probably talking to someone else.

I spent the whole night spiraling and by the time we talked the next day, I was distant and upset.

We got into a huge fight about nothing. I literally created a problem because I overthought a normal boundary.

I Needed Constant Reassurance

"Do you still like me?"

"Are we okay?"

"You seem off, what's wrong?"

"Are you mad at me?"

I asked these questions SO MUCH. And at first, my partners would reassure me. But eventually it became exhausting for them.

My constant need for validation made me seem insecure and pushed people away - the exact thing I was worried about.

I Couldn't Be Present

When I'm overthinking, I'm not actually engaged in the relationship. I'm in my head, analyzing and worrying.

My girlfriend would be talking to me and I'd be mentally replaying our last conversation looking for signs that something was wrong.

She felt like I wasn't really there. And she was right.

I Self-Sabotaged

The overthinking would get so intense that I'd preemptively end relationships because I convinced myself they were going to end anyway.

"They're going to leave me eventually, so I might as well end it now on my terms."

I ruined two good relationships this way. They weren't actually ending - I just convinced myself they were.

The Breaking Point

My current girlfriend finally had enough about 6 months into our relationship.

We were having a normal conversation and I started spiraling because she seemed "off." I kept asking what was wrong, pushing for her to admit something was bothering her.

She snapped.

"Nothing is wrong! But if you keep insisting something's wrong, then something WILL be wrong because this is exhausting!"

That hit me hard.

She wasn't pulling away. She wasn't losing interest. She was just existing like a normal person, and I was analyzing her every mood and tone like it was a secret message.

She told me she loved me but couldn't keep reassuring me 24/7. That I needed to work on this or the relationship wouldn't survive.

She was right.

What I Did About It

I started seeing a therapist who specializes in anxiety and overthinking. Here's what actually helped:

I Learned About Cognitive Distortions

My therapist taught me about thinking patterns that aren't based in reality:

**Mind Reading**: assuming I know what people are thinking

**Catastrophizing**: jumping to the worst possible conclusion

**Fortune Telling**: predicting negative outcomes with no evidence

**Personalization**: assuming everything is about me

I was doing ALL of these constantly.

Just learning the names for these patterns helped me catch myself doing them.

The 3-Question Reality Check

When I start spiraling, I ask myself:

1. What actually happened? (just facts, no interpretation)

2. What story am I making up about it?

3. What are other possible explanations?

Example:

Friend didn't respond to my text for 5 hours

Story I'm making up: They're mad at me and our friendship is over

Other explanations: They're busy, they're at work, they forgot, their phone died, they'll respond later

Usually, the boring explanation is the right one.

I Started Communicating Instead of Assuming

Instead of spiraling, I learned to just... ask.

"Hey, you seem quiet today. Everything okay?"

99% of the time, it has nothing to do with me. They're tired, stressed about work, dealing with personal stuff.

Actually asking is way less exhausting than spending hours inventing scenarios in my head.

I Set Limits on My Overthinking

I can't just "stop overthinking" - that doesn't work. But I can contain it.

I give myself a 10-minute "worry window." I set a timer and let myself spiral for 10 minutes. When the timer goes off, I move on.

Sounds weird but it actually works. My brain gets to do its thing, but in a controlled way.

I Started Journaling

Writing out my spiral thoughts helps me see how irrational they are.

On paper, "he didn't use an exclamation point in his text so clearly he hates me now" looks as ridiculous as it is.

I Worked on My Self-Worth

A lot of my overthinking came from deep insecurity. I was constantly looking for evidence that people were going to leave me because I didn't think I was worth staying for.

Working on actually liking myself has helped reduce the need to analyze everything for rejection signs.

What's Different Now

I still overthink sometimes - it's not like I'm cured. But it's way more manageable.

My Relationships Are Healthier

My girlfriend doesn't feel like she has to constantly reassure me. Our relationship feels more balanced and less exhausting.

I'm More Present

I can actually enjoy time with people instead of being stuck in my head analyzing everything.

I Trust More

I trust that people will tell me if something's wrong instead of assuming I need to decode their behavior.

I'm Less Anxious

When I'm not constantly catastrophizing, I'm just... calmer. My baseline anxiety is so much lower.

To Other Overthinkers

If you relate to this, I see you. The overthinking spiral is real and it's exhausting and it makes relationships so much harder.

But you can work on it. It takes effort and probably therapy, but you can get better at catching yourself and reality-checking your thoughts.

Start Small

You don't have to fix everything at once. Just try catching yourself once a day when you're spiraling and asking "what actually happened here?"

Be Patient

You've probably been overthinking for years. It's a deeply ingrained pattern. Give yourself time to rewire your brain.

Get Help

Seriously, therapy helped me so much. I couldn't do this alone. There's no shame in getting professional help.

Communicate

Tell the people close to you that you're working on this. They can help point out when you're spiraling and reassure you without enabling the pattern.

Final Thoughts

Overthinking doesn't make you a bad person or a bad partner. But it does make relationships harder - for you and for the people who care about you.

The good news is you can change this pattern. You can learn to reality-check your thoughts, communicate directly, and trust that people will tell you if something's actually wrong.

You don't have to live in constant analysis mode, turning every interaction into a crisis. There's a calmer way to exist in relationships.

It just takes work. And it's worth it.