Staying Friends When Your Lives Are Completely Different Now

My best friend Sarah got married at 26 and had her first kid at 27. I'm 29, single, and honestly don't know if I ever want kids. Our lives look completely different now.

For a while I thought our friendship was over. We had nothing in common anymore - her life was diapers and daycare, mine was dating apps and career stress. What were we supposed to talk about?

But we figured it out. Here's how we kept our friendship alive despite being in totally different life stages.

When The Differences Started Feeling Huge

It happened gradually. First she got engaged and I was still single. Then she bought a house while I was renting a studio apartment. Then came the baby.

Suddenly every conversation felt awkward:

Me: "I went to this cool bar last weekend"

Her: "That sounds nice. I haven't been to a bar in months. We're sleep training right now."

Or:

Her: "The baby said his first word!"

Me: "Oh that's great!" (not knowing what else to say)

We were living in completely different worlds.

Why It Was Hard

Our Schedules Didn't Line Up

She had to be home for the baby's bedtime. I worked late and liked going out after. Finding time to hang out became impossible.

We Couldn't Relate to Each Others Problems

Her problems: daycare costs, sleep deprivation, finding good pediatricians

My problems: bad dates, career decisions, trying to save money to travel

Neither of us could really relate to what the other was going through.

I Felt Left Behind

All our other friends from college were getting engaged, married, buying houses. I felt like I was stuck in place while everyone else moved forward.

She Felt Isolated

Being a new mom was isolating for her. She missed having adult conversations about things other than babies.

The Guilt

I felt guilty for not being more interested in her parenting stuff. She felt guilty for not having energy to hear about my dating disasters. We were both walking on eggshells.

The Conversation That Changed Things

One day we were texting and she said something like "I miss you but I feel like we don't have anything to talk about anymore."

Instead of just saying "no we're fine!" I was honest: "I feel that way too. I don't know how to be your friend right now and I hate that."

That opened up a real conversation about how to navigate this new phase of our friendship.

What We Figured Out

Here's what's helped us stay close despite our different lives:

1. We Talk About More Than Just Our Current Situations

We made a rule: we don't only talk about babies or dating. We also talk about:

This gives us common ground beyond our different lifestyles.

2. I Made An Effort to Understand Her World

I asked questions about parenting. Not in a fake way, but genuinely trying to understand what her life is like now:

Once I started actually caring about this huge part of her life, we connected better.

3. She Made Space for My Life Too

She stopped prefacing every conversation with "I know you don't want to hear about baby stuff." She talked about her kid, but she also asked about my life and actually listened.

And she didn't judge my very different lifestyle. No "when are you going to settle down?" comments.

4. We Adjusted Our Expectations

We used to hang out every weekend. Now it's more like once a month, and that's okay.

We used to talk on the phone for hours. Now it's shorter check-ins and lots of texting. Different but still meaningful.

5. We Found New Ways to Connect

Since she can't go out much, I started going to her house. We'd have coffee while the baby napped or watch TV after the baby went to bed.

We also started sending each other voice messages throughout the day. It's easier than trying to schedule calls.

6. We Acknowledged That This Is Weird

Sometimes one of us will just say "this is weird right? Like our lives are so different now."

Naming the awkwardness made it less awkward somehow.

What I Had to Let Go Of

The Way Things Used To Be

We're not going to have spontaneous adventures or stay up late talking like we did in college. That version of our friendship is gone.

It sucked to accept that, but fighting it was making us both miserable.

Expecting Her to Be Available

She can't just drop everything to hang out anymore. She has a kid. Getting upset about that wasn't fair.

Comparing My Life to Hers

Just because she has a husband and kid doesn't mean her life is better or more "adult" than mine. We're just on different paths.

What She Had to Let Go Of

Expecting Me to Be Obsessed With Her Baby

I love her kid, but I don't need to see 50 photos every day or hear every single developmental milestone. She had to accept that.

Judging My Lifestyle

My life looks chaotic to her probably - dating around, living alone, not having a concrete plan. But it's MY life and she had to stop making comments about when I'll "grow up."

Old Sarah

She's not the same person she was before having a kid. She had to accept that I had to adjust to the new version of her.

The Bigger Picture

What I've learned is that real friendship can survive different life stages, but it requires:

Other Friends Who Didn't Make It

Not all my friendships survived different life stages. Some college friends who got married and had kids just... faded away.

And that's okay. Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Some are for a season.

But Sarah and I? We're choosing to make it work because the friendship is worth the effort.

Advice If You're In This Situation

If your best friend's life is going in a completely different direction than yours:

Have The Honest Conversation

Don't just let the friendship slowly die. Talk about the weirdness and figure out if you both want to keep trying.

Make Real Effort

Friendship at different life stages takes intentional effort. You can't just coast on your history.

Find Your Common Ground

There's still stuff you connect on. Find it and lean into it.

Be Okay With Different

Your friendship will look different than it used to. That's not bad, just different.

Know When To Let Go

Sometimes friendships run their course. If you're the only one trying, maybe it's time to accept that.

Where We Are Now

Sarah and I are still best friends. It doesn't always feel the way it used to, but it's still real and meaningful.

We have different lives. But we have history, love, understanding, and a commitment to staying in each others lives.

That's enough.

The Truth

Maintaining friendships across different life stages is HARD. Nobody really prepares you for how weird it is when your friends lives diverge from yours.

But the friends who are willing to navigate that weirdness with you? Those are the ones worth keeping.

Have you dealt with this? How do you maintain friendships when your lives are completely different?